I'm going to unspool a thread that is composed of many micro-fibers. I'm not unraveling it, not examining every single micro-fibers. I will examine a few of the main ones, but mostly I'm just unspooling the thread. For what purpose? To see it standing on its own. To see what it looks like without the structure of the spool giving it shape. I want to see it shapeless on the floor, tired and powerless. Join me?
One of the most frustrating walls I've continuously run up against in my deconversion is one of the same walls I ran into continuously while still in the faith. Strange, because I don't think the wall is inherent to faithlessness, but is essential to the faith. I guess I still run into it out of habit. It's less obvious now, but subtly walking into a wall is only less painful, not less frustrating and limiting.
I mixing metaphors. The wall is better. And Mexico didn't even have to pay for it.
The wall is a reality I live in and is coupled with a feeling that continues to reinforce the wall.
The wall is: I live as though I am apologetic for my very existence. Sometimes it's blatantly apologetic, while other times it's a toned-down version of the same quality - meekness, humility, and timidity to name a few.
The accompanying feeling which is often (but not always) paired with the wall is the feeling of "I am not ___________ enough" or "doing __________ enough", reduced in its simplest terms to "I am not enough."
My faith instilled this in me, laying the foundation for this to be my basest self-concept, then further added on a layer in which this belief and behaviors enacted in this belief were required.
The Foundation
To illustrate exactly how foundational this belief is, I will share the "Daily Verse" I found on Bible Gateway on the way to find the verse I was looking for. The daily verse is Isaiah 55:8-9, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Your thoughts aren't enough. Your ways aren't enough. You can't trust your ways. You can't trust your thoughts. This first impacts one's understanding of oneself as being inherently "less than" or "lacking" - setting you up to always feel like a disappointment or a letdown. Further, it impacts one's ability to trust themself. If God's ways and thoughts are higher than yours, yours are untrustworthy in comparison. If God's ways are accessible to us through prayer, worship, etc., then if we trust our ways without seeking his, we are being foolish and lazy. We must immediately distrust ourselves and seek Him, who we can trust.
The verse I was looking for - Isaiah 64:6a, "All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags"
The best you can offer is trash. Your proudest achievements, the moments which many build a life and identity on - garbage. Worse - disgraceful garbage which cannot be touched without a wade through the mikvah.
When my relationship with God was the most important one in my life - one I'd lose everything, even myself (which I did) for - how could this mindset and behavior not transfer to my relationship with others? Even more, it seemed it was supposed to, in order to "be a witness" or "be the Bible which non-believers would never physically read" or to "be Jesus to the world".
The Requirements
I admit: grovelling was not a requirement of the text. It was just socially-approved and expected within the church. One of the big ex-Christian jokes is how many times the word "just" is used in prayer, and I don't mean the just that means "justice". I mean the just that means "only" - "just 5 more minutes, Dad", is usually how it sounded in prayer. Except the prayers were in earnest, for things that we deeply believed mattered.
"Just come into our hearts." "Just fill this place." "Just show So-and-So your love." "Just be a comfort to _____." "Just heal." "Just forgive me." "Just speak to us." "Just reveal yourself."
Just do this one thing for us, "I know we're not worthy" - another common refrain. We were literally begging a deity who was bragged upon by His own Son-Self for moving mountains if we command it. But we begged and pleaded to be loved, while apologizing for asking God to do what He was supposedly eager to do. Why? We either didn't believe He really wanted to, or we felt unworthy to ask Him to do what we believed He wanted to do, simply because we were so much "less than". Probably both and other factors I can't even begin to touch on.
Every week (in my denomination as a kid) we took communion. It was a time of remembering what you did that week that made God kill Jesus 2000 years prior. Sure, sometimes the preacher came in with a different message, "It's a celebratory wafer in anticipation of his return!" Then we sung "Lamb of God" and remembered what it was really about. "I was so lost I should have died, but you have brought me to your side." Or we sung "How Deep the Father's Love" - "It was my sin that held Him there until it was accomplished", "Ashamed I hear my mocking voice call out among the scoffers."
The little "unleavened bread" wafer - Jesus' body, crushed violently between our teeth, and crumbled into mouths that were dry from guilt - talk about tough to swallow. You killed him then, and were metaphysically killing him now. Wine would have made the experience more bitter, but all we got was basically a thimble of Welch's grape juice to wash down our guilt.
We were told to "turn the other cheek" and to "walk an extra mile with an enemy when he forced us to walk one". We were taught not to be proud. We were taught not to accept compliments but to deflect them. We were taught to walk "in the light", but to eschew recognition for our good deeds. In fact, we were supposed to hide our good deeds. Walking in the light felt a lot like walking in the shadows. Walking in the light felt a lot like fearing I'd be seen.
The Effects Now
I often find myself attempting to minimize my impact on others and on the earth. I've fought hard to stop apologizing before sharing my opinion. I've fought hard to learn to make my voice heard. I've fought hard to be my own representative, 'cause guess what? Not a lot of people ask God for His opinion about me. And He's the only one who was "allowed" to see my good acts and allowed to praise me for being a "good and faithful servant" without my deflecting it.
There was recently a story circulating about a pastor's daughter who got married, then publicly presented a certificate of her virginity to her father on her wedding day. A lot of people didn't get it. Besides the fact that I grew up in the heart of purity culture and always desired to be able to "tell my father I was a virgin until my wedding day" (I swear to you - that was encouraged in my circle), this applies to self-recognition too. Why did she feel the need to present her father with it? Because in her view, he owned her sexuality until she was her husband's.
What about when it goes beyond your virginity? What about when you recognize that your very self belongs to God and only He can boast in you. "...present yourself to God as one approved" - as in, present yourself to God for His approval.
It becomes quite a burden of guilt to feel that nothing you do is "enough". If our righteous acts are "filthy rags" and "unclean", that you can never be "enough" is absolutely true. Certainly if you believe that nothing you can do is enough to please God - whose love for you is supposedly incomprehensible, of course nothing you can do is enough for mere humans you interact with.
Every interaction is viewed through the lens of "How can I be better for this person? How could I do more for them? How could I please God better in my interactions with this person?"
And because it's tied to your self-identity and evaluation of worth, it extends beyond other people. Nothing you do is enough for you. You aren't "enough" for you to accept you.
The only safe place is with God, Oh Silent One.
And everything you do feels tainted.
If you are Me last week, this means that although you don't say the actual word "Sorry" as much (as in maybe only twice today), you are given roles of higher leadership, then when you take allowances with that leadership feel you are overstepping bounds and ask if you are being "annoying" to a higher up - who assures you that you are just fine (although they probably think less of your ability to lead). It means that when you see your personal trainer after 3 weeks of not working out, you expect them to shame you and are surprised they don't. Then realize that the reason you haven't been going was largely due to shame, which grew exponentially each day you didn't go. It means that when you go to your violin lesson and ask why things sound so screechy, your teacher says, "You hesitate a bit much." and "You try too hard to get everything perfect before you let yourself move forward. You'd be better served by getting through the piece and continually practicing the full piece."
It's realizing that you hesitate at every decision. You pause, thinking you are making your presence too known if you act rashly or speak directly. You feel like less of a noble [Christian] person if you are commanding, yet you feel like a loss when others don't view you as "leadership material". You are not enough or you are too much. You feel out of touch with who you are because you have reduced your presence so much that you aren't even sure what your unadulterated thoughts or feelings are.
I love the phrase "Sorry, not sorry." It's so hilarious. Even when I think I feel it and feel empowered by actually speaking what I consider to be boldly (which is still timid, if not apologetic), I still question my role after.
I don't usually dwell on these things. But I wanted to expound today. These feelings and self-judgements occur so rapidly and subconsciously that I'm usually unaware of them happening. These days it takes running into the same wall over and over for me to even realize that this is still an issue. I'm so pleased with my progress in being less actually apologetic. But the past two weeks have been an insane reminder that timidity, oftentimes humility, and any number of other traits are really just apologetic-ness incognito. And I still find myself running into a wall I thought I broke down a long time ago.
Hell, maybe the wall is broken and I keep stubbing my toes on the damn brick debris. It still stings.
Back to the whole "thread" metaphor. I thought I would unravel one other component - being a woman. Then combine them - being a woman in the faith. I think these pieces together make this much stronger. I think most of anyone in the faith (or particularly ex-faith who aren't afraid to be somewhat defiant in expressing this frustration rather than glorifying it as holy) relates to this. I think most women (faith or no) probably relate to this. I think women in the faith are especially vulnerable to this.
Another post for another time. This is too long already.
Damn, that was almost an apology. Now's as good a time as any...
Sorry, not sorry.
