So, I'm revealing my age a bit here. When I was a kid, my first memorable exposure to The Phantom of the Opera was Wishbone (gosh, I loved Wishbone) - a PBS kids show featuring a Jack Russell Terrier living out his imaginary interactions with classical literature.
I always found The Phantom of the Opera disturbing. Moreso when I realized that different version contained different origins of his face being the way it was - was it acid? Was it fire? Was it birth? Disfigurement? Who caused it?
It was always creepy - a girl at once drawn to and repulsed by this man, this face, this mentor. The power differential was grotesque. He could kill her. He could humiliate her. She was drawn to him, but as much as she was drawn to him, she had reason to fear him. No one could see him. She hadn't even been able to see his face for so long.
Sound familiar? If you grew up in a 90s evangelical faith, maybe it does. Maybe in ways you hadn't considered.
When the new movie came out, I didn't see it. Not for lack of desire. I just never got around to it. Not until college, when I myself was involved in an subsect of faith that was extreme, even for me. When I saw it, I didn't make those connections at all. No connections were made besides, "Ooh, Wishbone. I liked that episode. I like this story. I bought the CD for the original musical when the movie came out. Wow, Gerard Butler's voice doesn't fit the part."
I knew my theatre friends loved the costumes. My historical friends loved the accuracy. My musical friends at least liked the main girl's voice. The rest of us could attest that it was the first time we didn't feel drawn to Gerard Butler. When I finally saw it in college, I didn't think much besides, "Wow, this story is truly disgusting. Like, Wishbone made it kid-creepy. This is nauseating and terrifying. It's every woman's worst nightmare. This is creepy to a level I can't stand. I hate this. I hate everything about it." I've now seen the movie twice and it is absolutely revolting to me, which probably indicates that the directors and all those involved in production did a damn good job. Mad props.
I don't remember when it hit me, but there was a day - a random boring day, driving to my random, boring job, when I heard the theme The Phantom of the Opera, as if for the first time, and I was floored. This was my experience with faith. The dark parts of it.
I pause here to say, this is where current Christians don't get it, and where ex-Christians do. I am not here to defend my experience. I'm here to describe it from this side, and unfortunately, some of my ability to see things as I used to is gone. So I'm not softening any blows here.
The lyrics, which incidentally are sung together, with the power differential unequivocally falling with the phantom...
"In sleep he sang to me
In dreams he came" - sung by Christine
Particularly potent to someone who at one time thought God spoke to me prophetically through dreams, yet felt such distance in waking hours.
"That voice which calls to me
And speaks my name" - sung by Christine
The power was the fact that he knew my name. I was no longer anonymous. No longer anonymous. The one that folks adored, feared, and denied not only recognized me, but knew my name and spoke to me. This was basically the evangelical mantra. "He Knows My Name" is a song my Church knew well. It gave us identity. It gave us importance. None of which we could have without the bestowing of grace by Him.
"And do I dream again?
For now I find
The Phantom of the Opera is there
Inside my mind" - sung by Christine
Prophetic dreams were cool. The goal though, was to have Him in your head everywhere you went,, at every moment. Not being in tune with Him was actually sinful, indicating a separation of your spirit from His. A problem you had to solve with Him in your private life with Him.
"Sing once again with me
Our strange duet
My power over you
Grows stronger yet" - sung by the Phantom
It's a song shared by two, but One still holds the power, and it's not you or me. His power grows stronger over me. I prayed for it. I longed for it. I often prayed that my heart would align with His, that my heartbeat would beat in tune with His. He did not need to meet me. It was my job to meet Him. Come to His presence, hear His voice, have my heart adjust itself to beat with His... It was perfect. It was right. Anything less was imperfect. Just as the Phantom.
"And though you turn from me
To glance behind
The Phantom of the Opera is there
Inside your mind" - sung by the Phantom
We tried not to glance behind. We did not want to look to the past. Our songs reflected forward movement and forgetting the past, forgetting our history. In theory, those things could hold power over us, preventing us from being met and transformed by Him. But could they? We didn't know. We didn't need to look behind anyway; the risk was too great. Like Lot's wife, would he reduce us to pillars of salt? The past was gone. Our history was gone. Our entirety didn't involve our past; it all centered on Him in the present, and He told us what that meant.
"Those who have seen your face
Draw back in fear" - sung by Christine
Yes, we were aware that in scripture, no one could look upon the face of God and live. Moses supposedly got to see God's butt. The Transfiguration - woah. The Prophets who represented God. And yet none could see God and live. The only ones that were pure enough to see God were taken before they could die - Enoch and Elijah. We feared His face. And because of Job and Elijah, we feared to see more.
"I am the mask you wear
It's me they hear" - sung by the Phantom, literally in response to her fear
..."Yet not I, but Christ lives in me." Yes Church, we died to ourselves and gave up our identity. We no longer live. "It's not about me", as my Youth Pastor reiterated (honestly, maybe not the worst message for teens). Your desires don't matter. Your needs don't matter. Your gifts aren't for you - they were given to you to be shared with others. Works really well in the Church because everything is sacrificial and sex is withheld. Imagine if someone waltzed into the Church and said they were skilled at teh secks. Blah, turn it off. But what else do you have to offer? Sex is off the books, but we'll whore out anything else you have to offer.
One of my very "first" prophetic dreams happened when I was a teenager. 13, maybe 14. It was one of the most powerful experiences of my life. I woke up out of sleep with very vivid recollections of my dream, which I recorded in a blue, sparkly gel pen ('cause I was 13). There were components to my dream, each of which had massive theological underpinnings which had massive impacts on the dream. Honestly, it's hard for me to discount the dream, even now.
The dream ended with me in a mall. Jesus and I were hanging out. He gave me a mask of his face to wear. My identity was now tied with his. This happened after graphic parts of the dream involving dying to myself, receiving the holy spirit, and forsaking "even family" to follow Him. All of which is biblical. All of which I did. So I donned his mask. No one could see Jesus, but once I wore His mask, they saw me. And they hated me. Just as Jesus said they would in the Bible.
It wasn't me. I thought I wore His mask over my face. Instead, he wore the mask of "me" over His face. Like everything else, I no longer mattered. My gifts and talents were given to me for His use - for the expansion of His dominion. If they weren't being used for such, it was sin at worst and a waste of life and gift at best. Nothing in my life was for me. It was all Him. Jesus died, then came back like the headless horseman looking for bodies to inhabit for His purposes. No Church would make the Headless Horseman reference (or the Phantom, at that), but that is absolutely what is taught in the New Testament and the Churches that are actually teaching the words of Jesus.
I'm the mask. It's Him they hear. My entire life was about minimizing my existence to maximize His. My prayers, deepest, earnest hours-long prayers from the time I was a pre-teen on reflected this.
And it worked. I lost myself completely.
And so Christine and the Phantom sing together:
"Your/my spirit and your/my voice
In one combined
The Phantom of the Opera is there
Inside your/my mind"
And as Christine realizes slowly the losing of herself, she sings:
He's there
The Phantom of the Opera
Beware
The Phantom of the Opera
And:
"In all your fantasies
You always knew
That man and mystery
Were both in you"
Which sounds a lot like the Eucharist - the man and the mystery both subsumed and consumed simultaneously, as we sacrifice ourselves.
Yes.
The Phantom of the Opera is there.
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A little self-conscious with my first real, public post since my last public post which was the first admitting my present non-theism. Once again, I do not debate my faith. Personal questions may be directed to me through message.
And again, this will likely resound with non-theists. And likely trigger a lot of automatic responses and feelings for those who are in the faith. Fair enough. If I was still there, it would for me too. The worst thing you can do is say, "Omg, *this* piece of knowledge and experience I have in my faith must have never occurred to this person. Let me share my insight so they can benefit from it."
Because: I have thought literally every response you have for me before. Partially because we were taught to have them. Partially because I was open to "receiving thoughts from God", which meant receiving thoughts that affirmed Church theology (or challenged it, but were still consistent with Christian faith). Nontheists have been through the ringer. Trust me. We have already have your thoughts, challenged it, and found it wanting. We don't want another debate.
I suppose nontheist blogs really are for other nontheists or for those on the fence (Sufjan Stevens). And that's fine. I'm not debating it. But here's the next installment of my story that I've been wanting to write for almost a whole year, and regardless of response (I won't respond to debate and probably not publicly to specific non-debate questions that aren't sent to my private message account), I finally decided to write it and post it. I hope it is helpful to someone.
