Don't let them know it hurts.

I've touched on this in probably every entry I've written here so far, but I will reiterate: One of the biggest themes in the life of my faith was bearing the pain caused by others silently, in order that they may be built up. Most of the ways this was enacted was more emotional than physical in nature, but there were times it was physical too. This theme has been enacted in many relationships in my life.

Sometimes it meant letting others "use" me as an emotional landfill. Taking on their emotional burdens (while never having that reciprocated), offering them advice (which they inevitably didn't take), and being harassed and guilted when I wasn't there filling that role for them. It happened in close relationships, online relationships - folks threatening self-injury and suicide, asking me to give them a reason not to die. I'd spend hours typing away to them, trying to show them that they were not alone, that I "get" it, that there's something to live for. In return, I received photos they sent me of their most recent self-injurious exploits, descriptions of their most recent suicide attempt. Their wishes for their funeral, what they wanted me to tell their family members after they'd gone.

Sometimes I was manipulated by them. I don't blame them fully - they weren't mentally well. That takes on a nasty manipulative streak and a sense of non-self-awareness. Manipulation or not, in all cases I felt bound to them, tied up in their well-being, responsible for their sense of worth and responsible for showing them a reason to live.

W.W.J.D.

The question that kept me in toxic relationships for years, that kept me from bettering ones that actually could have been improved by boundaries. I wasn't supposed to have boundaries. I was supposed to walk the extra mile, give my tunic and cloak, carry my cross, die to myself daily, bear the burdens of others, tell them about Jesus, be Jesus to them, and lift them up at all costs to myself. Jesus was crucified. He was betrayed and manipulated by Judas and he allowed it. Obviously it was just part and parcel of following Jesus. At church I'd been told, "You see what Jesus endured - why do you expect any less suffering for yourself?" I felt guilty for not being martyred. I felt guilty for every boundary I tried to set. I rarely tried, but when I did, it always backfired.

I told you there were some physical aspects of this as well. It's almost laughable as a story until the realization of its implications sets in.

Story 1. The time I got my head shaved.
I'm not going into the why on this blog. But let's just say, I decided I was going to shave my head. A buzz cut wasn't "enough". No, I was going to shave it all with a razor. Thing was, I couldn't very well do it myself. My dear friend and roommate offered to help me. So, she started shaving my head - eagerly raking over the same spots over and over again without additional moisturizer or what have you. At some point, I started realizing a burning/stinging sensation.

I couldn't tell her it was hurting! It would make her feel bad! So rather than cause her to feel any guilt or to ruin her good time or self-perception (she was having fun and felt so helpful - a way I wanted everyone to feel), I sucked it up. Until...
"Oh my gosh!" She exclaimed.
"What?" I asked.
"Does your head hurt? There's blood coming out of the pores!"
"Oh, uhh, I was wondering - something felt a little off. It's all good! The hair's probably gone now, right?"
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Story 2. The time I got my hair cut.
This probably happened before story one, come to think of it (logic at work). Anyway, ironically, this story involves the sister of my dear friend/roommate from story one. So in this story, the sister (also a friend) was helping me to trim my hair. I've cut my hair many times before without incident, but she was really excited to help me with it (and I love when other people play with my hair).

The thing is, she didn't have much experience with it. Rather than clip the hair with the scissors held horizontally to my hair/neck and her own body, she held them vertically toward my neck - like a little dagger. She snipped over and over again, tiny pieces of hair in rapid succession, many times catching a small piece of skin from my neck and snipping it.

Again: Can't tell her! She would feel bad! She just wants to be helpful. I don't want her to feel bad about herself or feel guilty for hurting me!

"Did I cut your neck?!"
"What? Why do you ask?
"There's a lot of little cuts bleeding!"
"Huh! That's weird!"
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The moral? The take-home?

Don't let them know it hurts. Don't tell them. Don't show them. Don't wince. Consider their needs above yours.

If your best friend and the guy you were in love with (both of whom knew of that dynamic and fostered it for a long time) end up getting married, be their Maid of Honor. They requested you. They didn't mean to hurt you, even though they did long before they started dating. It won't always hurt. One day you'll be happy for them, so live into it now because that is the "Truth in Christ". The pain is because of selfishness and pride. Because you expected too much. You actually caused your own pain, so it's your fault. They should not suffer the loss of their best friend (in the wedding party even, much less actual friendship) because of your own faults for not seeing the bigger picture.

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Don't let them know it hurts. Your own perception and imperfection is the reason it hurts. Or, alternately, it's supposed to hurt. Jesus suffered - who are you to think you deserve better than Him?

All of these things will be to His glory and will enact his Kingdom on this earth.

Praise God.

"It's God at work IN you!" and other ways to make yourself both *nothing* and *something*.

Ripped from a journal entry in 2014, deconstructing some stuff from a few years before. It jumps right in, but should be easy to follow context if you stick with it past the first few sentences. Minor edits have been made to clarify some of the sticky context and to maintain anonymity.
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I remember feeling like Joseph [of the Old Testament] on a few occasions when I had these "dreams from God". I felt so special when [the others] heard my dreams and were blown away. When they said they wished for such dreams, I blushed, but inwardly I beamed. I'm sure [my closest friend and spiritual "leader"] did too.

It didn't feel like pride. We knew we were given "gifts". We told people that these gifts were undeserved and on some level we believed it. We also wanted everyone to be able to experience what we did (that's good, right?), so we taught them in our ways of being. That's how I lost myself and contributed to others losing themselves.

I contacted an old guy friend this week - one that was close to us, who, of course, fell for the "leader" (Oh! Lust, I mean! It was lust and it was demonic and predatory!). He was confronted by us, castigated by us (until he repented, of course), and he eventually distanced himself from us. It turns out, he didn't think they/we were wrong in our treatment of him.

When I contacted him and asked him about it, he said that the group was "frustrating" because of "personal drama", and that the church he was attending at the time was simply "too prosperity gospel". Read: All the other stuff was cool????

What'd I expect from a seminary student? We, in the Church, eat up things that beat us down.We just love conviction. Why? Is it just masochism? That may be part of it, but I think we love it too because it gives us things to "work on", which gives us a sense of purpose and control. When we incrementally improve in those areas, it affirms our beliefs in our faith, our identity, and in either/both self-efficacy and God-efficacy.

It's funny. One of the things they emphasized in my group was that you don't do anything to change yourself. God does the work, yay! In theory it sounds great. But... God can't just do work against your will! You have to let God work. Or, invite him to work. Well, you can't just say the words. You have to open your heart. Well, you have to let go of your idols, otherwise there is no room for God! Oh, you don't know what your idols are? You have to be vigilant. Be a little suspicious of all you do during this period of discernment. Always question your motives. Ask your friends who have the gift of prophecy about your motives! They can probably see behind the veil that you can't. You are too close to yourself to know your true motives.

Unless you can hear from God yourself. It can be hard to hear God due to distractions and sins, demons and that sort of thing. You should create a "sacred place" to pray. And don't just pray, you have to listen! And you can't just listen; you won't hear anything unless you have faith. You have to "press in" and listen "expectantly".

This type of prayer usually often involves tears, worship songs, rocking back and forth, lying prostrate on the floor, etc. If you still hear nothing, or if you need God to "make real in your heart" what your head believes (maybe what your prophetic friends told you), you need to spend time in focused prayer.

Isolate yourself in a sacred space or within a shared sacred space. Think of and pray for a revelation of anything that could possibly stand in your way of understanding the "truth" your head knows but your heart won't believe.

This is tough and painful. It probably means rooting out forgotten and untouched recollections of your broken family, how you were raised, past experiences with any form of possible abuse, patterns that the past has created in your life, how you live into it now... Then, once you see where the problem is (which God revealed to you), you need to pray about it. Think about it and look vigilantly (again) at how those patterns are still played out in your daily life, as they inevitably are. Recognize your brokenness and its implications, and pray for healing. Pour yourself out in the presence of God for healing. Share with others who will pray for and affirm you. Seek visions and images in prayer so that God may use them to tweak your understanding of who you are in Him and the truth, which is not what your experiences have been. They truly happened, but they only enacted lies that have twisted your perception of God, yourself, and others.

Through prayer, worship, prophesies, visions, and "pressing into the presence", you receive healing. Sometimes it is immediate, but it's usually an ongoing process. it may take years, but now all of you is open to it. Until you hit a place where you can't seem to receive any more healing or if it isn't happening quite quickly enough, in which case, you simply repeat and submit to the same process for deeper, greater, and faster healing.

It's an exhausting process. And really, this should be happening to some degree on a daily basis if you are in true communion with Jesus so that you can fall into a place where God can use you in power to affect others and bring them life and healing too.

And when you see these changes - a new openness, a new perspective, a closer relationship with the community, a sense of brokenness, a recognition of who you really are in Him, then PRAISE GOD that He did all this work in you.



So... Forget that you spent multiple mentally and emotionally unstable hours daily putting yourself there, either in isolation or in a group encouraging you to do so in order that they could fill you up (and so build their ego)... Oh yes. God did the work, praise Him. And without hurting you. All pain you felt was the result of your past where love was not properly shown to you. All healing has come from God.

In the most mentally unstable parts of my life, I was simultaneously stripped naked (metaphorically) and mentally exhausted, often as my friends stood by, both encouraging and evaluating me, so that GOD could take the credit for any healing that may occur? And, by the way, none of the credit if no healing occurred?

All while my friends looked on, bolstered in their faiths and growing more certain of this unshakeable truth, while I kneeled, wasting away and shrinking in order to please God and the community he surrounded me with. And I praised him through it - just as I "ought".