I'm on Reddit's ex-Christian subreddit. It's one of the few places I know to go to find like-mindedness. Except, not that many people are very like-minded. In large number, ex-Christians are immediately happy to be free of their religion, it seems.
I made a promise to myself, that if I left, I wouldn't leave lightly. And I'm not. And not just because of that promise. My road has made it impossible to leave lightly. For me, my experience with religion, with Christianity, has been overall, quite positive. For me, leaving means leaving a community that loved me deeply. Leaving people who wouldn't judge my journey, but would cry for me. Leaving churches who thought I had value. No one is perfect. No one's support of me has been perfect. But a lot of good people tried. And I have walked closer with Christian people when I was a Christian, than I may ever walk with another human being ever again. And that terrifies me.
Leaving, for me, is not a joyful thing. It's not a rebellious thing. It's not jumping for joy in the face of those who dare defy me. It's not seeking out debate to tear people apart (though, admittedly, I find myself in more debates because I no longer feel the need to apologize for my beliefs or to simply submit to the "stronger" person). It's having random moments when I am racked with tears, missing something that I loved dearly, and know that I'll never have again - even if I re-converted.
This evening, I began a Coursera class on Positive Psychology. Two exercises already occurred that shook me. I don't even think they were intended to. Such is the journey of the newly faithless.
1. It asked me to recall a time when I felt very negatively and to think about why, and what it felt/feels like. Some people in the video felt awkward about it and wanted to move on. Some felt tense, but uncomfortable. I felt anger. Straight up anger. Something I never felt allowed to feel in Christianity, unless it was directed to a "den of thieves" in the temple. Righteous anger was ok. Anger directed towards those who made a mockery of God. Otherwise, sympathy, understanding and compassion.
But I'm realizing how much turning my cheek benefitted others in the past. Not towards knowing love or knowing God, but towards taking advantage and manipulating, and taking from me. And you know what my response was supposed to be? Forgiveness. And giving my cloak.
As a woman, that meant very different things than it did to a man in the church, by the way. Side-note for another time. But yes, let's talk about rape and turning the other cheek, and giving your cloak as well, sometime. This is a topic at women's retreats all the time. Why? Rape, incest, molestation. People need forgiveness. And women need to know how to love those who have hurt them.
Do they talk about this at men's retreats? No. They talk about being caretakers for their wives and children. How to be a tower for them. How to lead them.
Anyway. Those topics aren't even that closely personal to me. But it resounds deeply with my experience as a woman. Sexual atrocities or not, we hear the lesson on forgiveness and submission all the time. It defines us. The Power of a Praying Wife. It's supporting her husband while feeling denied and belittled ALL THE TIME. In marriage, even. Which isn't that different than how many women feel in the church, honestly.
So yes. We sacrifice. All the time. And people benefit. All the time. And hopefully some people see God. That's what we're told, you know. That we are like Jesus because we are sacrificing our very souls for another. And if they don't appreciate it or recognize it, what is the advice? Give until you are dead. Jesus did. Will you not follow him? How dare you claim to follow him if you don't do as he did? Die for it. Die. And as you die, pray that God would forgive those who put you in this place, for they know not what they do.
You know what? Some don't know. Some truly don't. But a lot do. A lot take advantage of your position as a sacrificial lamb. Also, for those who don't know? Maybe they would benefit more from you telling them than you taking it for them and letting them benefit from your sacrifice and those around you who sacrifice.
I'm all for rehabilitation of criminals. I am NOT for letting them get by with it. Tell the judge what they did. Tell them what they did. Let them see the pain and the anger and the incredible loss they caused at your expense. Let them see it. Don't feel shame. Let them feel the loss they've caused. You've felt loss. Let them feel it. If they don't feel it, all they experience from your loss is gain. And no one grows from it. You are still stunted and feel held back as a result of their actions. And they still benefit from your acquiescence. Or support. Or submission.
For those who don't know what they've done? Tell them! If they are good people with good hearts who desire good, they too will desire change. Submission is only useful when it's mutual. Not necessarily equal, but mutual.
So. Positive Psychology. We were supposed to share what made us upset lately. All I felt was anger racking my body. Anger. I am feeling years of being a damn doormat. Years of being told by males how to be a doormat, who didn't know that being a female often feels like just being a damn doormat anyway. Must we be the doormats who are beat to death to be rid of the dirt from your feet? Must we? Always?
Anger is the primary emotion I feel now. Now that I know I can have opinions. Now that I know they are worth listening to and considering for validity. Knowing that I am better than being written off, yet here I am, written off. At work. At home. Wherever I am. Wherever reminds me of "turning the other cheek", just reminds me of what it feels like to be a prostitute, jerking off some guy to let him cum all over me, just so he can do it again to the next girl. But that's what love is, isn't it?
That's what I, as a woman, felt was right (figuratively, obviously - we don't use sex metaphors in the church). And here I am now, enraged at all I've endured for others at the hand of my old religion, who probably would have benefited from being set-straight. Who probably hurt a lot more people in a lot of the same ways.
The next questions was "What has made you almost jump for joy?"
I don't remember. Maybe Universal Studios. Maybe getting a pay raise - that I got from speaking my own mind and defending myself when no one else did, thank you.
Maybe I don't remember. Maybe my biggest joy is the hope that I will reclaim my biggest losses? Maybe my fear is that I never will.
Maybe I don't remember joy, because right now, all of this sucks. Maybe all the times I've jumped up and down lately have been out of anger and exasperation that I finally feel allowed to feel. Hey, maybe feeling allowed to feel those things is worth celebrating.
But right now, the journey is hard. It hurts. It's not fun. It's not super exhilarating, but with rare occasion. But this is where I find myself. And I think and hope the joy will return once I feel my anger has been expressed and I feel free.
I long for that day, and I hope that it arrives.
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