Don't let them know it hurts.

I've touched on this in probably every entry I've written here so far, but I will reiterate: One of the biggest themes in the life of my faith was bearing the pain caused by others silently, in order that they may be built up. Most of the ways this was enacted was more emotional than physical in nature, but there were times it was physical too. This theme has been enacted in many relationships in my life.

Sometimes it meant letting others "use" me as an emotional landfill. Taking on their emotional burdens (while never having that reciprocated), offering them advice (which they inevitably didn't take), and being harassed and guilted when I wasn't there filling that role for them. It happened in close relationships, online relationships - folks threatening self-injury and suicide, asking me to give them a reason not to die. I'd spend hours typing away to them, trying to show them that they were not alone, that I "get" it, that there's something to live for. In return, I received photos they sent me of their most recent self-injurious exploits, descriptions of their most recent suicide attempt. Their wishes for their funeral, what they wanted me to tell their family members after they'd gone.

Sometimes I was manipulated by them. I don't blame them fully - they weren't mentally well. That takes on a nasty manipulative streak and a sense of non-self-awareness. Manipulation or not, in all cases I felt bound to them, tied up in their well-being, responsible for their sense of worth and responsible for showing them a reason to live.

W.W.J.D.

The question that kept me in toxic relationships for years, that kept me from bettering ones that actually could have been improved by boundaries. I wasn't supposed to have boundaries. I was supposed to walk the extra mile, give my tunic and cloak, carry my cross, die to myself daily, bear the burdens of others, tell them about Jesus, be Jesus to them, and lift them up at all costs to myself. Jesus was crucified. He was betrayed and manipulated by Judas and he allowed it. Obviously it was just part and parcel of following Jesus. At church I'd been told, "You see what Jesus endured - why do you expect any less suffering for yourself?" I felt guilty for not being martyred. I felt guilty for every boundary I tried to set. I rarely tried, but when I did, it always backfired.

I told you there were some physical aspects of this as well. It's almost laughable as a story until the realization of its implications sets in.

Story 1. The time I got my head shaved.
I'm not going into the why on this blog. But let's just say, I decided I was going to shave my head. A buzz cut wasn't "enough". No, I was going to shave it all with a razor. Thing was, I couldn't very well do it myself. My dear friend and roommate offered to help me. So, she started shaving my head - eagerly raking over the same spots over and over again without additional moisturizer or what have you. At some point, I started realizing a burning/stinging sensation.

I couldn't tell her it was hurting! It would make her feel bad! So rather than cause her to feel any guilt or to ruin her good time or self-perception (she was having fun and felt so helpful - a way I wanted everyone to feel), I sucked it up. Until...
"Oh my gosh!" She exclaimed.
"What?" I asked.
"Does your head hurt? There's blood coming out of the pores!"
"Oh, uhh, I was wondering - something felt a little off. It's all good! The hair's probably gone now, right?"
_________________________________________________________________

Story 2. The time I got my hair cut.
This probably happened before story one, come to think of it (logic at work). Anyway, ironically, this story involves the sister of my dear friend/roommate from story one. So in this story, the sister (also a friend) was helping me to trim my hair. I've cut my hair many times before without incident, but she was really excited to help me with it (and I love when other people play with my hair).

The thing is, she didn't have much experience with it. Rather than clip the hair with the scissors held horizontally to my hair/neck and her own body, she held them vertically toward my neck - like a little dagger. She snipped over and over again, tiny pieces of hair in rapid succession, many times catching a small piece of skin from my neck and snipping it.

Again: Can't tell her! She would feel bad! She just wants to be helpful. I don't want her to feel bad about herself or feel guilty for hurting me!

"Did I cut your neck?!"
"What? Why do you ask?
"There's a lot of little cuts bleeding!"
"Huh! That's weird!"
____________________________________________________________________

The moral? The take-home?

Don't let them know it hurts. Don't tell them. Don't show them. Don't wince. Consider their needs above yours.

If your best friend and the guy you were in love with (both of whom knew of that dynamic and fostered it for a long time) end up getting married, be their Maid of Honor. They requested you. They didn't mean to hurt you, even though they did long before they started dating. It won't always hurt. One day you'll be happy for them, so live into it now because that is the "Truth in Christ". The pain is because of selfishness and pride. Because you expected too much. You actually caused your own pain, so it's your fault. They should not suffer the loss of their best friend (in the wedding party even, much less actual friendship) because of your own faults for not seeing the bigger picture.

______________________________________________________________________

Don't let them know it hurts. Your own perception and imperfection is the reason it hurts. Or, alternately, it's supposed to hurt. Jesus suffered - who are you to think you deserve better than Him?

All of these things will be to His glory and will enact his Kingdom on this earth.

Praise God.