...Until you no longer exist.

I feel weird as an ex-Christian saying this, but I had a "revelation" of sorts today. It all started with beer, as it well should. I went to a local beer and wine outlet to pick up some new brews and wound up with two really good ones and a 6-pack of a beer-like alcoholic beverage. I brought them up to the counter and the cashier said, "We have cold ones of these, if you want" as she pointed to the 6-pack.

I hedged. Cold was better as I was planning on having some that night. However, I was already out the counter with two items rung in. Within seconds my mind flickered the following thoughts:

1. Cold would be better.
2. If I decide to switch them out, my time at the counter will be extended, meaning other customers have to wait for me.
3. There are no other customers.
4. It will take up more of the cashier's time and she will probably grab the cold pack herself, making extra work for her.

I started to say no. Afterall, I could throw the beers in the fridge. Why should she be inconvenienced because I am not patient enough to let my relaxation beverage chill for a few hours? "You know what? I-"

Don't need it cold. Don't need it cold. The words echoed in my head. But for some reason I had a realization of the fact that I could have better. She even offered it to me.

"Actually, sure. That'd be great!"
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Ok. I'm indecisive. Big deal. This has nothing to do with leaving my religion.

False.

I actually knew instantly that cold beer would be better. I decided it would be better as soon as she suggested it. Why did I hesitate?

As a result of my Christian faith my whole life I have certain messages drilled into my head which make it extremely difficult for me to recognize my desires, much less state them. I have deferred my desires, even recognizing that I had them, without recognizing my deference because it is out of sheer habit. For instance, at work just last night, my boss asked me and a coworker who would rather go home first. I immediately said, "I have no preference."
Without a pause, he looked at me, said, "You're lying." And then asked my coworker what he preferred.

He was right. I was lying without realizing I was really lying. Deference is a habit when it comes to desires. Why?
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Some of the most important elements of my faith that have stuck with me and defined me are my beliefs about how we are to be. We regard others more highly than ourselves. We die to ourselves daily. We pave the road for others. We give up our desires for others to have theirs and we try to take joy in others' joy - the joy that they could have because we gave up our preference.

The beer? To me, in the moment I hesitated, I was thinking about the frustration that my wanting cold beer would cause. To her it was virtually nothing. It was a suggestion she made to feel helpful and because it's her job and probably she was bored because it was slow at the store. To me, it was this huge moral, ethical, and identity-related issue that it never should have had to have been. And to me, that was my norm. I went through that thought process in milliseconds and I still do for every decision I make that actively affects others and for some that only affect them marginally.

This really simply results in avid attempts to minimize the impact/inconvenience of your existence to others, since YOU are not supposed to exist anyway.

I've been crucified with Christ, nevertheless I live. Yet not I, but Christ liveth in me.
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There is only so much you can attempt to minimize the impact of your existence until you no longer exist at all.